If I Never Knew You
by SugarQuillCandy
Summary: Songfic- Lyra's first Midsummer on the bench after her adventure. She is coping with her loss of Will. Beautiful song that has a lot to do with what happened between the two; actually the theme song from Pocahontus, if you can believe it.


If I Never Knew You  
  
It was Midsummer's Day immediately after the Battle that changed the many worlds. As Lyra Silvertongue made her way over to the bench in the Botanic Gardens, the pain of her loss was still strong. She was coping, but the memory of her short time with Will was fresh.  
  
_ If I never knew you  
If I never felt this love  
I would have no inkling of  
How precious life can be  
_  
Despite her pain, Lyra gained so many things from Will. She learned patience, she learned how to love someone so strongly, so much more than you love yourself...  
  
_ And if I never held you  
I would never have a clue  
How at last I'd find in you  
The missing part in me_.  
  
When Lyra entered the deserted garden, she walked slowly, carefully, over to the bench. Before she sat, she imagined for a moment that Will was there. And... before her eyes, his face and figure materialized, brown hair glinting in the sunlight, his strong, jutting jaw grinning at her... and just as soon as he had appeared, the vision faded away with the breeze.  
  
_ In this world so full of fear  
Full of rage and lies  
I can see the truth so clear  
In your eyes  
So dry your eyes  
  
_ Lyra felt, as she had many times lately, a sharp twist of her insides like her heart was being grasped and poked at and kicked around; it left her short of breath and gasping for air. The world really was so full of hate and rage. It was her duty to bring peace. Lyra was the daughter of fate, and this was the road set before her. It was the road set before Will. They both had the same roads set before them, but only once did the two paths cross, and that time had come and gone as fast as the fleeing of a bird in the sky. Lyra and Will had to build the Republic together. Apart.  
  
_ And I'm so grateful to you  
I'd have lived my whole life through  
Lost forever  
If I never knew you.  
_  
Lyra sat down slowly. Somewhere, somewhere so far away it was further than the furthest galaxy, yet so close it was penetrating every fiber of her skin was Will's world. And right where Lyra was sitting, Will was present, yet she could not touch him, could not hear his voice, so strong and gentle and comforting and reassuring. He was so close, but he was so far. In Lyra's opinion, the barrier between them was worse than death. Knowing the one you loved was alive and so close to you, yet you could not reach them, was the worst.

___ If I never knew you  
__ I'd be safe but half as real  
__ Never knowing I could feel  
__ A love so strong and true_

___  
_ Putting her hand on the place next to her on the bench, Lyra shivered but felt a burst of warmth at the same time.  
"I'm touching Will... I know I am," she whispered so softly that nobody standing a few feet away would have been able to tell what she said. "If the worlds do overlap, he's right here."  
  
_I'm so grateful to you  
I'd have lived my whole life through  
Lost forever  
If I never knew you.  
_  
She swung her legs up onto the bench and lay down flat, her eyes staring into the deep blue midday sky high, high above. Pantalaimon sat solemnly underneath a grove of trees, also thinking of Will and Kirjava.  
Lyra looked up at the sky and all of a sudden, the tears were spilling out of her eyes. She cried and cried, salty tears sliding down into her ears and causing her body to arch and shoulders to shudder with her sobs.  
  
_I thought our love would be so beautiful  
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright_  
  
They would've... if only she could see him...  
  
I_ never knew that fear and hate could be so strong  
All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night  
_  
But humanity was poisoned with the stains of greed and selfishness, and as a result, Lyra and Will were separated until they died.  
  
_ But still my heart is saying we were right.  
_  
Lyra did not regret ever meeting Will. True, she might not have been crying all alone on a bench on Midsummer's Day, but she would never have known the true capacity of love.

_Oh, if I never knew you  
There's no moment I regret  
If I never felt this love  
Since the moment that we met_  
  
How Lyra missed him. She wept and wept for hours on end. In her anguish, she did not feel the soft summer rain splattering on her bare arms and face. She forgot the time of day and the difference between left and right and up and down. All she knew was that she loved Will, and now she would never see him again. Lyra relived every moment they had shared together, every word, every touch, every kiss.  
  
_ I would have no inkling of  
If our time was gone too fast  
How precious life can be...  
I've lived at last...  
_  
The air around Lyra on the bench seemed like it was sharing in her tragedy and her sadness.  
  
_I thought our love would be so beautiful  
__ Somehow we'd make the whole world bright._

Things would have been so much different.  
  
_ I thought our love would be so beautiful  
We'd turn the darkness into light._  
  
"But life isn't fair," Lyra thought to herself. "If it were, people would be kind and compassionate and selfless, not power hungry and greedy. I would have two parents who would love each other and love me. Specters would be the kind of creatures who would haunt the stories I tell, not the world. The knife would be a sign of peace between the worlds, and I could be with Will...  
  
_And still my heart is saying we were right  
We were right._  
  
But maybe things would not have turned out the same way if life were fair. Lyra might not have met Will, and that, to her mind, would have been ten times worse than falling in love with him but losing him.  
  
_And if I never knew you  
If I never knew you  
I'd have lived my whole life through  
Empty as the sky  
Never knowing why_  
  
Lyra sat up, her eyes still smarting. The sky was darkening already, she had lay there for hours and not even noticed the time. She got up and turned around so she was facing the empty bench.  
"I love you Will," she whispered. "I will never stop."  
Then Pan joined her and she very slowly, reluctantly, as if she were leaving her own pounding heart behind on that simple bench, staggered away.  
  
_Lost forever  
If I never knew you._  
  
Lyra did not regret ever meeting Will.  
"It was the best thing that ever happened to me," Lyra thought fiercly.  
If Lyra didn't know him, she might not have had the gap in her heart that would most likely stay there her whole life. But she would have been lost forever. And maybe the pain would never die or subside, but she would have to live with it. Will would, and they would bear the burden of their aching hearts together. Apart.


End file.
